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IN THIS ISSUE

• Arthur Pays finds a new job in wartime London
• Doreen MacDonald goes to an Elderhostel in Victoria
• Dick Monaghan writes of his new role: bottle opener
• Barbara Wear reminisces about going over the top
• Marilyn Magid sends a story of a effective argument
• Gerrit de Leeuw reminds us of a long-time favourite joke
• Don Henderson forwards some really dumb quotes

Arthur Pays has joined a Civil Defence operation in London:

"WHAT DID YOU DO DURING THE WAR, DADDY?"

When I first went into the rescue service I was issued with a set of ARP overalls, gum boots, gas mask and tin helmet, but later we were issued with battledress, overcoat, army boots and gaiters, in the usual two sizes (too bloody big or too bloody small).

The difficulty with the Civil Defence was that the authorities didn´t know what to do with us. If they used us to do work, like building or labouring, we were not available in the event of an emergency, particularly if at night time we were required to turn out after a full day´s work.

Our depot was the headquarters of the China Inland Mission and we occupied a comparatively modern building that had presumably been used for students and prospective missionaries. There were two large meeting rooms and a fully-equipped kitchen. The remainder of the three-storied building was divided into small bedrooms, some equipped with camp beds or three-tiered iron bunk beds.

There were two shifts, and each shift put away its blankets in cupboards before going off duty at 9 a.m. One wag at the depot named Johnnie Cortesi remarked that after the War, when applying for employment, the first question you should ask would be, "Where´s my bed?"

The routine of the day was first roll call to see if everyone was present, followed by allocation of cleaning fatigues to each squad. These cleaning duties were extremely perfunctory. We were issued with mops, broom and buckets, and the whole place - rooms, staircases, basement, etc. - was swept and mopped out. If the floor was wet, it was done.

Mr. Riddlesdale seemed to have a very clean and polished flat on the first floor, and in addition, the personal services of a very old man named Noorgard who didn´t do much else other than keep the Emperor of China´s flat spick and span. Old Noorgard was so old I don´t think he could manage any other duties anyway.

The squad leaders had rooms separate from the men.

After we finished fatigues, there were training lectures in First Aid or whatever other schemes were exercising the minds of the authorities at the time. For example, there were lectures and demonstrations by doctors on how to resuscitate people, and by bomb experts on how to recognize and deal with different types of personnel bombs. The regular lectures on first aid were given each morning by either one of the the squad leaders, named Jimmy Hurst , or the Deputy Superintendent, whose name was Freddie Green. I don´t know exactly what his rank was, but he had three stripes. There are two schools of thought on First Aid, each with their manual of instruction, and Jimmy was a St. John´s advocate, while Freddie Green was a Red Cross man. The questions and answers sessions were uproarious and I remember when a definition of "pelvis" was required, which is described in the book as a "basinlike structure of bones that surrounds and supports the abdomen", was given as "a basin of bones".

In any case, the whole matter of first aid was somewhat irrelevant, since in a bomb incident, you either "bought it" and were dead, or you didn´t, and didn´t need first aid by the time the rescue party arrived.

There was an instructor named Rew from the National Life Saving Society who gave lectures on the resuscitation of the apparently drowned, and this eventually involved our attending the Islington Swimming Baths. Originally quite a few of the shift went to swim but eventually this diminished to about five or six. I became a very efficient swimmer and entered and passed the Intermediate Certificate and Bronze Medal in 1941. The following year I obtained a First Class Instructor Certificate and a Silver Award of Merit.

The classes lasted until lunchtime, and transport to and from the classes was provided by the motor vehicles.

After swimming, or after lectures, lunch was provided in the dining room: two courses, followed by tea, which cost one old penny per cup. We provided our own cups for tea, and naturally I soon discovered that you got a better bargain by having a large enamel pint mug rather than an ordinary cup. I remember that I painted my initials, AMP, very artistically on my mug. I was told by another man that it should have been VD, to which I replied, "What, and have all you lot using it?"

I soon learned it was always important to get on good terms with the kitchen staff, because it meant that you always got lots of favours from them.

To be continued.

Doreen McDonald of Orillia, Ont., was recently the only Canadian in a group of 28 who went on an Elderhostel course in Victoria. She writes about

AN ELDERHOSTEL TRIP TO VICTORIA

The trips always involve arranging your own transportation to the locales but covers lodging, meals, and sight-seeing. We stayed at the Howard Johnson at the Gorge, quite comfortable, with the usual hotel additions - coffee maker with tea and coffee supplies, ironing board, and hair dryer. We were across the road from the Goose Neck Trail, which went along the water and across a bridge, to the inner harbour area and downtown.

Because we all had the same menu choice, unless we had made an earlier request, we spent less time waiting at meals.

The week included a talk on tea, followed by the real thing at the Empress Hotel, and later a tour of Victoria, when we stopped at a lookout on Mt. Tolmie, and later a tour of the grounds of Government House. We were free for the rest of the afternoon, so we made use of the Harbour Ferries which ply both the inner and outer harbours, making frequent stops. Called the "Pickle" by the locals, they are used as a commuter service in preference to the bus. We were able to go to Fisherman´s Wharf for fish and chips and used the Pickle to get back to the hotel, in the company of dragon boats and kayaks.

The next day we were off by ferry to Saltspring Island and a salmon dinner at the Harbour House Hotel at Ganges. Unexpectedly, this turned out to be a record-breaking day of 102 degrees F, and humid as well, so we skipped the galleries and looked for shade.

Needless to say, a visit to Victoria would be incomplete without seeing Butchart´s Gardens. This had been well planned and we were directed to the right spot to pick up our bagged lunches so we could eat and drink outside and see the gardens at our own pace.

Although the next day was the end of our program, we elected to stay one more night so we could visit friends for lunch and later see Dunsmuir castle - Craigdarroch. I had been to college there a long time ago, but a few years later than Pierre Berton. It was a change to see all the fireplaces uncovered now that they are no longer hidden by blackboards.

My sister and I had one more ferry boat ride to Vancouver, where we spent a couple of nights with a cousin before I left for Orillia and she went back to Redding, California.

Dick Monaghan is

DISILLUSIONED

I thought my wife married me for my towering intellect and my acute sensitivity to the arts, or because I have a CD version of Stan Kenton´s "Road Show" album of 1959, with June Christie and the Four Freshmen. But no: she married me because I can open things.

I should have seen the warning signs when we were courting. She would slide soda bottles or pull-tab cans over to me, and sort of look the other way, pretending to listen while I prattled on.

Yesterday she pranced up to me, a pickle jar in her hand. Her expression said, "If you had any steam left in your boiler, I´d let you pull my train," but what she really wanted was access to the pickles. I know which side my bread is buttered on, so I took the jar, turned my back to her and managed to get a small screwdriver out of the drawer. I inserted it under the edge of the cap and twisted until I broke the vacuum holding the lid tight. Meanwhile, I made exertion noises to divert her attention. Then, the cap ready to be unscrewed, I turned and assumed a stance that was part weightlifter and part Judo master. I put my upper teeth over my lower lip and pulled up the corners of my mouth. Then I pretended to wrench the cap free with a mighty "Uuuuuugh!"

"My hero!" she said.

These days, I will even accept sarcasm as a compliment.

Barbara Wear writes about her last exciting

ROLLER COASTER RIDE

I was sitting here at my desk this afternoon daydreaming about some good things that happened in my life. One of the things I remembered was the time my family went to an amusement park. My granddaughter, Jennessa, was three and she is now 17 so there are many years in between. My legs were better then and I could walk around the park.

I am very much interested in riding roller coasters. The old wooden ones intrigue me and those are the ones I like best. When we neared the coaster, I told my family I was going to ride it and asked if anyone wanted to come with me. They looked at me as if I were crazy and decided they would stay on the ground. I stood in line and when it came time to climb aboard there was one young man in front of me who was also alone, so the operator asked if we would like to ride together. The only available car was the last one and if anyone is an enthusiast of roller coasters like I am, you know the first and last cars are best.

We climbed aboard for one of the most thrilling of rides I´ve ever had. I had never been on this one at Agawam Park (now called Six Flags) before and it was a bouncy one. We jostled back and forth ... side to side ... up and down through several hills and vales as that coaster took us through several turns of excitement. I know I was screaming and so was my friend. And then all too soon the ride was over and we went our separate ways.

My family was glad to see me back unscathed and asked me not to do it again.

Later as we walked around the park, I saw my new friend coming towards me with his family. He said, "I have been searching for you all afternoon. I wanted to show my family the bravest woman I have ever met." With that, we smiled and even hugged, and walked our separate ways.

Marilyn Magid sends the story of

DIVORCE, CUSTODY, AND PEPSI COLA

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought thechildren into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Don´t laugh - he won!

Gerrit de Leeuw forwards this oldie but goodie:

THE RIVER

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about two hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools, and the intelligence to cross this river."

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream, and walked across the bridge.

Don Henderson sends these quotes:

WHEN YOU´RE FEELING STUPID, READ THIS

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." - Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can´t help but cry. I mean I´d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." - Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you´re killed, you´ve lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

"I´ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

"I´m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." - Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I´m just the one to do it," - A congressional candidate in Texas

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." - Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn´t pollution that´s harming the environment. It´s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - Al Gore, Vice President

And "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." - Al Gore, VP

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix " - Dan Quayle

"We´ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" - Lee Iacocca

"The word ´genius´ isn´t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

"We don´t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." - Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"If we don´t succeed, we run the risk of failure." - Bill Clinton, President

"Traditionally, most of Australia´s imports come from overseas." - Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." - Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there´ll be a record." - Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Feeling smarter yet?

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