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IN THIS ISSUE

• Les Davison finds a sympathetic Dutch family after his escape
• Jack Peaker wonders how seniors are coping with metric measurements
• Lew Carter's newsletter is the source of these two puns
• Gerrit de Leeuw forwards a story of a helpful blonde
• Catherine Green warns of the pitfalls in translating ads
• Don Henderson indulges in some idle thoughts
• Jack Peaker and the editor suggest websites

Les Davison and Capt. Redman have taken refuge with a Dutch family in his

WARTIME MEMORIES

After a typical Dutch breakfast of cold ham and a hard-boiled egg with black bread, we were asked to follow the girl into the woods and keep a distance of 100 metres behind her in case she was stopped by soldiers or the "Green Police". If we spotted any strangers or police, we were to immediately split up and go in opposite directions and try to hide. Hopefully in this manner she might be able to deny any knowledge of us because the consequences of being caught hiding escaped prisoners was that all the family would be shot at once and the farmhouse burned down.

After we had walked about half a mile the girl stopped and waved to us to do the same. She then came back and told us we had just walked over our hiding place. I was a little nonplussed as all I could see was fallen leave and twigs. When the girl came back she scraped around with a broken branch until she stooped down and pulled on an iron ring. Up came a wooden trapdoor about two feet square, and beneath it was a hole about twelve feet by twelve feet square and about the same depth with a wooden ladder running down. She said we would have to stay in this place until someone could contact us, probably this evening, but not for sure. She also promised to bring us food when she could. Down we went and were surprised to see that we would be quite comfortable as there was a sofa, an easy chair, a carbide lamp and a radio, some candles, and a metal pail for toilet purposes.

She asked us not to play the radio as it might be heard aboveground and as we had nothing to read, all we could do was talk about what might happen, and eventually we slept. About two p.m. the trapdoor opened and our guardian angel handed down some bean soup and a vacuum flask of ersatz coffee. She told us that someone would come at about seven o'clock so that we would not be afraid when the trapdoor opened. We wolfed down the food and spent the next hour or so speculating on who might come and what would happen afterward.

Right on cue about seven p.m., the trapdoor opened and down came a rather ascetic-looking man, tall, and dressed completely in black. He wore glasses and even had a black hat. I thought he might be an undertaker but it turned out he was a Calvinist minister. We of course stood up when he entered. He surveyed us warily for a few seconds, then asked us to please sit down. In heavily-accented English he started to ask us questions about everyday events in Britain, the answers to which would not likely be known by a German who might be masquerading as an escaped prisoner. He had not introduced himself nor asked us who we were, but had indicated that he was in touch with the underground forces. We were learning the procedures of the "Onderduikers", nobody said who they were and the reason, of course, was, should anyone be captured, re-captured or apprehended in any way, the less they knew, the less they could reveal.

After a few minutes of questioning, he said that he was satisfied as to our identity and would we please show some identification, just to be on the safe side. We both produced our army paybooks and after a good look at these he said he would provide us with accommodation and contact with the resistance forces, who would look after our welfare from then on. He said we should call him Nico (short for Nicolas) and that he had three bicycles outside; unfortunately, the two we were to ride on had no tires.

"Please stay back from me about 100 metres and if I am apprehended, simply ride past and ignore me; and if you are stopped God help you, because I will not be able to."

Nico had told us that there was a curfew from 8 p.m. and that we must complete our journey by that time. He didn't say how far we had to go or where, and as it was now 7.30, it apparently was not far. After about 20 minutes of hard riding (it's very hard work riding a bicycle with no tires) we turned off the road into the semi-circular driveway of a rather large house and stopped at the back door, which led into the kitchen. We dismounted and Nico ushered us inside with the warning to be very quiet.

I had figured Nico to be about 32 or 33 years old and when we entered the kitchen, we were introduced to two ladies, Lena, Nico's wife, and a younger lady who was Trijnkje, their maid. There was no further discussion and we were quickly taken up the back staircase to the attic, which was unfinished except for the floor. This was strewn with apples and corncobs and was obviously the place where their winter supplies were kept. However, a small part had been cleared and here were two camp cots, already made up with sheets and blankets, two kitchen chairs, and a small card table. Nico anticipated our question about toilet facilities and presented us with a rather large chamber pot. We were to use this, hopefully only for urination, as there was only one bathroom in the house and this was on the ground floor.

We would be informed by Nico or Lena when it was safe to come downstairs because the house was, in fact, the vicarage and there was a constant stream of visitors to see the 'Dominee'. It was crucial that our presence there was kept secret as not every Dutchman was on our side. Nico soon suggested that as we were probably quite tired, maybe we should retire for the night and talk again in the morning, and he mentioned again that we should be quiet when moving about and talk quietly. Personally I was happy to fall into a bed and was asleep within minutes and I am sure that Capt. Redman did likewise.

To be continued.

Jack Peaker wonders

ARE SENIORS "THINKING" METRIC NOW?

It was in 1970 that Canada formally adopted the modern metric system. It has been 37 years since we were first introduced to the metre, litre, kilogram, Celsius, etc. It is not an exaggeration to say that we are now all familiar with metric. Nearly 10 million Canadians have learned metric in public schools since the mid-1970s while the rest have learned metric from the media, marketplace, and government.

How have we seniors coped? Let's look at the breakdown:

Temperature - When some of us hear a Celsius temperature, our minds may start converting it to the old fashioned Fahrenheit that we grew up with. For example 37C = 37X 9/5 = 333/5 = 66.6+32+ = 98.6 Fahrenheit. But why bother? 0 degrees C is freezing and 100 degrees C is boiling for water. What could be simpler"

Length - distance: The ones I still have trouble getting accustomed to are the shorter ones, like centimetres and meters. I know there are 100 cm to a meter, but I still look at inches, feet, and yards when measuring. I am staid in my ways on those, but I don't know why.

Kilometers I like. It took a while to keep from multiplying them by .6 to convert to miles, but I decided why bother? Speed limits are posted in km per hour. (Fortunately hours are still hours.)

Miles per gallon - we seniors have compared mileage of automobiles in those terms. Now, with both litres and kilometers to contend with it is complicated. For example - 10.62 kilometers per litre = 30.03 miles per Canadian gallon.

Kilograms, grams, litres, millilitres, etc. - When shopping for groceries, one needs to have some metric conversion memorized. For example, that 8-kilogram turkey = 8 X 2.2 = 17.6 pounds. Measuring cups show that 1 ml = 1 gram = .04 ounce; 500 ml = 1/2 litre.

Acres/hectares - 1 hectare = 2 1/2 acres = 10,000 square meters. This is one of the biggest problems with some provinces. In Ontario, for instance, farmland was originally divided into 100-acre parcels, while Prairie farms were divided into sections (square miles). 1 square mile = 640 acres. To alter these farms to metric is an impossible task.

The United States decided to remain old fashioned in this particular instance. Going metric for them would be too vast and costly a project.

Metric makes sense, like it or not.

These two groaners were borrowed from Lew Carter's newsletter:

LAMENTABLE PUNS

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the Ancient World. Desperate, he takes it to Croesus, the pawnbroker, who says "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But," says Ozymandias, "I paid a million for it. Don't you realize I'm King?"

Croesus answers, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."

Lief Erickson, the famous Viking explorer, returns home from a long voyage to find that his name has been stricken from the town register. When he complains, the town clerk mutters, "I must have taken Lief off my census."

Gerrit de Leeuw forwards this blonde joke:

MONKEY BUSINESS

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde. "Do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified. There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded. "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had some money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."

Catherine Green says it's always good to check into the meaning of your slogans and brands before you start selling in foreign countries, as these companies learned a bit too late...

COMPANY SLOGANS LOST IN TRANSLATION

1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read, "Are you lactating?"

2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since many people can't read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read, "I saw the potato" (la papa).

10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

Don Henderson sends these

IDLE THOUGHTS OF A RETIRED PERSON WHOSE MIND WANDERS ...

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once - or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

THIS WEEK'S WEBSITES

Are you tired of getting spam in your mailbox? Ten easy ways to help stop scammers may be found on Scambusters' website: http://www.scambusters.org/

Jack Peaker sends this site for the fun of it:

SO YOU WANT TO BE A MILLIONAIRE

http://www.millionairetv.com/game/index.html

Jack adds some information to a recent recommendation of a website:

THE ZIMMERS

You may remember the choir of seniors singing "My Generation". Jack writes that they are the oldest and greatest rock band in the world. The lead singer, Alf, is 90, and he is not the oldest - there are 99- and 100-year-olds in the band.

Some massive names from the pop world have thrown their weight behind The Zimmers. The video was produced by Mike Hedges (U2, Dido, Cure), shot by Geoff Wonfor (Band Aid, Beatles Anthology), and it was recorded in the legendary Beatles studio 2 at Abbey Road.

The Zimmers will feature in a BBC TV documentary being aired in May 2007.

The site again: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqfFrCUrEbY

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P. J. O'Rourke