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IN THIS ISSUE

• Les Davison makes a daring escape from a moving train in Holland
• Sharon Graham forwards a useful idea for preparing for emergencies
• Gerrit de Leeuw sends some quotes, some old, some new
• Marilyn Magid has a suggestion for older men looking for a wife
• Here are some reasons to smile
• Don Henderson recycles a story of a divorced wife's revenge

Les Davison has just decided to try to escape from a German hospital train in his

WARTIME MEMORIES

Upon arriving at the observation platform I was surprised to see half a dozen of the medical officers on the adjoining platform, including my commanding officer, Col. Townsend. He asked me what my intentions were and I said I had been looking for him to ask for permission to escape. This was not really true as I had decided to jump anyway, but as it was expected that an escaper would get permission, it suited my purpose to tell a white lie. He immediately said it was O.K. and that the officers had decided that one of them would escape. They had drawn straws to decide who was the lucky one and a Captain Theo Redman had won the draw. I had never met this officer, who was a surgeon, but Col. Townsend suggested we go together and this suited me fine.

It was decided that we jump together, one from each side of the train, and as there were guards on the roof of each coach with machine guns, the other officers started a mock argument in order to distract them. I stood on the bottom step of the platform until I felt a tap on my shoulder and promptly jumped to the side of the track and rolled down into the ditch.

I laid low until the train was out of sight and apparently we had not been seen by the guards as no gunfire erupted. After a minute or so I called out across the track, 'Where are you, sir?' and the Capt. whispered, 'Over here.' He was directly across from me. We were in a thickly-wooded area so I crossed over the rails and we had some discussion as to what we would do. We had no idea where we were, although I knew the train had been travelling north, so I suggested we travel due south, avoiding the roads and populated areas in the hopes that we would eventually reach the Rhine and swim across.

Capt. Redman wanted to know how we would know whether we were going South, and I said I had my escape compass. All Allied airmen and parachutists carried an escape kit with them in an oilskin pouch containing a silk map of the area, in this case north-western Europe, a small compass about the size of a thumbnail, a couple of trouser buttons which were magnetised, and would make a compass when balanced on a needle, which was included along with some thread. I had secreted it in what I shall call a rear orifice when we searched by the Germans.

He said, 'Good for you! At least we will have some idea where we are going."

So we set off through the woods, not really knowing what to expect as we had no idea where we were, until after about an hour we came up against a barbed wire fence about seven feet high. It was the type that angles out at the top and we couldn't decide whether we were on the inside or the outside. It didn't take long to find out as we heard dogs barking in the distance. Fortunately, we were on the outside of the fence. Because the fence ran east to west, we turned to the west, hoping to get around it, and after about a quarter of a mile it turned to the south. Because the dogs were making such a racket, we quickly got away from the area, which was just as well as I found out after the war that this was a military area.

We carried on with our march until about 11 p.m., when we came across a house in the woods. There were lights on, so we stopped about a hundred yards away to discuss the situation.

Capt. Redman suggested that possibly we should change our plans and try to contact the Dutch underground. I agreed, and because we didn't know where we were, he also suggested that he creep up to the window of the house and see if they were talking Dutch. The Capt. spoke German as he had trained in Germany before the war and for all we knew we might be in Germany. When the Captain came back from the house he said they were not speaking German and he could only conclude that they were speaking Dutch.

We approached the house with some trepidation, not knowing what our reception would be like. I knocked on the door, which was opened slightly by a middle-aged man of slight build who promptly slammed the door in our faces. After a minute or so, I knocked again and a young girl opened the door and in very good English asked what we wanted. She obviously recognized us for what we were and quickly invited us in.

In the house was the man who opened the door at first, together with a jolly-looking rather plump lady and two younger children. The older girl who had let us in was the only person who spoke English and she asked us if we would like some coffee and a biscuit. We accepted this although we were both ready for a good cup of tea.

We never saw any tea for the next three months. The coffee was 'ersatz'; I don't know what it was made from but it certainly wasn't coffee. However, we were very grateful for it. We told the girl how we came to be at her house and she spent some time telling the rest of the household our story. After a few minutes with her parents the girl said we could sleep in the haystack for the night and that she would try to contact someone from the underground. She said that her family was not active in the resistance but had a way to contact people who were and she would do that first thing in the morning.

The haystack in the yard was about 20 feet high with a roof over it but no walls. The girl showed us where a wooden extension ladder was kept and we scaled the ladder and got into the hay, after which we pulled the ladder up after us and laid it across the top. Soon we were both asleep and it only seemed a short while before I heard the girl calling to us softly that it was time to come down and have some breakfast.

To be continued.

Sharon Graham passes on this timely suggestion:

ICE

A recent article from the Toronto Star, 'the ICE idea', was about an idea that is catching on and it is a very simple yet important method of contact for you or a loved one in case of an emergency.

As cell phones are carried by the many people, all you need to do is program the number of a contact person or persons and store the name as 'ICE'. The idea was thought up by a paramedic who found that when they went to the scene of an accident, there were always mobile phones with patients, but they didn't know which numbers to call. He therefore thought that is would be a good idea if there was a nationally recognized name to file 'next of kin' under.

Following a disaster in London, The East Anglian Ambulance Service has launched a national 'In case of Emergency (ICE)' campaign. The idea is that you store the word'ICE' in your mobile phone address book, and with it enter the number of the person you would want to be contacted 'In Case of Emergency'. In an emergency situation, Emergency Services personnel and hospital staff would then be able to quickly find the contact information under 'ICE'.

For more than one contact name simply enter ICE1, ICE2, ICE3 etc. A great idea that could make a difference!

Gerrit de Leeuw sends these interesting

QUOTES

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essentialfood groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness ... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires ... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the ageing process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out - Phyllis Diller

Marilyn Magid suggests this tactic for older men looking for

A YOUNG WIFE

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all agog. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask, "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age," Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

Here are some

REASONS TO SMILE

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for President and over fifty for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow! That was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Wouldn't you know it ... brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Don Henderson says this has been around before, but for those who missed it:

CURTAIN RODS

She spent the first day sadly packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down on the floor in the dining room by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp and caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She replaced the endcaps on the curtain rods, cleaned up the kitchen, and left.

When the husband returned with his new wife, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canister, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going He told her they were selling the house but did not tell the real reasons.

She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea about the smell, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork for her to sign.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

I love a happy ending. Don't you?

Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some. - Alfred Hitchcock