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IN THIS ISSUE

• Dixie Augusteijn writes about the gold rush in the Yukon
• Dick Monaghan believes there is a conspiracy to defraud customers
• Gerrit de Leuuw forwards an account of the great Vancouver blizzard
• Catherine Green sends another blonde joke
• Carol Hansen comments on the above joke
• Jack Peaker gives his version of a senior centre party
• Rafiki forwards a story of an elderly woman having a ball
• Miriam Ockenden and Jean Sterling suggest sites with animal acts
• The editor thanks you for your kind wishes on her birthday

Dixie Augusteijn continues her story of their

ALASKA/YUKON TRIP

Stories of the Yukon are inevitably linked up with the gold rush stampede. There are horror stories of the would-be millionaires and their struggle to reach Dawson and the gold fields through the Chilkoot and White Pass of the formidable Coastal Range mountains. It was a killer climb.

An outcry from Dawson, unable to cope with feeding the swarm of new arrivals, caused a law to be passed stipulating that each man must carry with him a ton of food. Wrestling with this extra burden added to their already heavy load, eliminated still more gold seekers, and the pass became littered with discards: horses, mules, sometimes the ton of food, as well as bodies. A plaque at Dead Horse Gulch shows the tangle of bodies of pack horses and mules mixed with mud and branches of trees which gave the place its name. Humans often met the same fate.

The road of the Pass, known as the South Klondike Highway, is carved out of the mountainside, and across the Skagway River, parallel to the road, we could see the railroad. It was built under the most extreme conditions using only picks, shovels, and blasting powder. Pictures show men being roped down the sheer mountainside to blast out an area wide enough for the tracks - often immediately filled with snow. What a story of vision and endurance!

Ironically, the railroad was finished just in time to see the end of the gold rush. If there had been no gold rush, it would probably never have been built. Now a link between Skagway and Whitehorse, it is used mainly by tourists from the cruise ships.

Note: I was just looking this up on the Internet and see that in June of this year they are putting on extra coaches, and already are booked solid. The builders of the railroad never saw that in the future!

Dick Monaghan looks in his crystal ball and sees

CONSPIRACY!

Paranoia and age may go together, but I swear there's a conspiracy out there, waiting to cheat us out of what we have coming.

It's call a "rebate," and it works like this:

I am a subscriber to a cell phone service. Every once in a while, they say I can upgrade my phone for a reduced price. They offered me an improved model for only ten bucks (and a contract extension). Since I'm satisfied with their service and a wanted a smaller phone, I said "sign me up." Well. You don't just give them the $10 and take the phone. No. What they do is charge you $60 and promise you a $50 rebate by mail.

That means you have to fill out an application (exactly, according to their directions), photocopy your receipt from the retailer, and return a part of the box the phone comes in. What they don't tell you is that there are two boxes involved, each of which has a sticker on it, and you get to figure out which one they want. You have to copy down an extremely long number that is already on the sticker you send back. Is there any reason for this, other than to discourage you from trying to obtain the $50 they promised?

Since I have scanner on my computer, it was no problem to provide them with the photocopy of the receipt from the retailer, but a lot of people would have to go to a place that specializes in copies.

What they should do, since they have all your statistics at their command in their retail outlets, is just give you the damned phone for $10 and your signature on a contract extension.

I think they make a lot of money off people too confused or tired to send all that nonsense back to them. If it were only the phone company, I wouldn't be so concerned, but this way of doing "business" seems to have spread to a great many products.

We need an organization of consumers. I think I'll form one and let you join for a mere $10 - after a $50 mail rebate.

ED. NOTE: Where do we sign up, Dick? And what personal information will you need before we can become accredited members? Credit card number? Date of birth? Political affiliation?

Gerrit de Leeuw received this news update from an Edmontonian:

VANCOUVER BLIZZARD 2006

Chilled Vancouver commuters faced their second day of winter hell today, as an additional nine centimetre of the peculiar white stuff fell, bringing the Lower Mainland to its knees and causing millions of dollars worth of damage to the marijuana crops. Scientists suspect that the substance is some form of frozen water particles and experts from Saskatchewan are being flown in.

With temperatures dipping to the almost but not quite zero mark, Vancouverites were warned to double insulate their lattes (coffees) before venturing out.

Vancouver police recommended that people stay inside except for emergencies such as running out of espresso or biscotti to see them through Vancouver's most terrible storm to date. The local Canadian Tire Store reported that they had completely sold out of fur-lined sandals.

Drivers were cautioned to put their convertible tops up, and several have been shocked to learn that their SUVs actually have four-wheel drive, although most have no idea how to use it. Weary commuters faced soggy sushi, and the threat of frozen breast implants. Although Dr. John Blatherwick, of the Coastal Health Authority, reassured everyone that most breast implants were perfectly safe to 25 below, down-filled bras are flying off the shelves at Mountain Equipment Co-op."

The government has to do something," snarled an angry Trevor Warburton. "I didn't pay $540,000 for my one-bedroom condo so I could sit around and be treated like someone from Toronto."

ED. NOTE: The Edmonton Journal must have a reporter stationed here at the coast, or perhaps they flew one in to cover this unusual event. TV stations across Canada have covered the story in depth, and commentators have had trouble concealing their smirks at our misfortune. A little more sensitivity to this catastrophic event would be appreciated by chilled Vancouverites.

Catherine Green sends this version of an oldie:

LOST IN NOVA SCOTIA

Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.

As they were approaching Shubenacadde (shoe-been-aack-id-dee), they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are - ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?"

The blonde waitress leaned over the counter and said,

"Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttoooonnns"

Carol Hansen from New York writes about this joke:

We don't have Tim Horton's here, but I know about it. Never had a cup of their coffee, though.

Many of the names of towns here are Indian and give trouble to people who haven't heard them before. I live in Commack, originally Comac, and it means "good lands". People born and brought up here pronounce it Comic; newcomers like myself (only lived here 47 years) pronounce it Coe-mack.

Then there is Hauppauge, Patchogue, Syosset, Quogue, Massapequa, and many more.

Jack Peaker sends this account of a

SENIOR CENTRE PARTY

The other night I went to a party at our local senior center. The last Saturday of every month they have an evening potluck supper. We usually eat, play bingo, reminisce, and ornery old Andy Thompson usually cops a feel or two from the ladies.

We heard Selma Martin's grandson is staying with her for a few weeks. It's rumored he got in a scrape with the law over some marijuana out in Winnipeg and he came to Ottawa to avoid the heat. Anyway, Selma is known for her delicious brownies and she always bakes up a quadruple batch for each get-together. She makes enough for everyone and some for folks to take one home for later. For some reason they were extra good this week and every last one of them was eaten. Not a one left over. We later found out that Selma's grandson, Butch, laced the brownies with some of his marijuana.

Knowing this, I guess it offers a logical reason for everyone feeling good that night. By the time Zeke put on the bunny hop record, everyone was in a real good mood, and it was the first time the whole place got up and danced....

That is, until the cops came to check all the noise complaints.

Well, that's another story....

Rafiki forwards the following story:

CHOCOLATE SINGS

One day I had a date for lunch with friends. Mae, a little old "blue hair" about 80 years old, came along with them - all in all, a pleasant bunch. When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Mae who said, "Ice cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate."

I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. "Along with heated apple pie," Mae added, completely unabashed. We tried to act nonchalant, as if people did this all the time, but when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine. I couldn't take my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down. The other ladies showed dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.

The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Mae. I lunched on white meat tuna. She ordered a parfait. I smiled. She asked if she amused me. I answered, "Yes, you do, but also you confuse me. How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?"

She laughed and said, "I'm tasting all that's possible. I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should, but life's so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good. This year I realized how old I was. (She grinned.) I haven't been this old before.

"So before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I ignored. I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many books I haven't read. There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown. There are many malls I haven't shopped. I've not laughed at all the jokes. I've missed a lot of Broadway hits, and potato chips, and cokes.

"I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face. I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace. I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast. I want UN-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most.

"I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind in my hair. I want to fall in love again. So if I choose to have dessert instead of having dinner, then should I die before nightfall, I'd say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired."

With that, I called the waitress over. "I've changed my mind," I said. "I want what she is having, only add some more whipped cream!" ? Remember that while money talks, chocolate sings!

Just in case you missed these, here are two

IMPRESSIVE ANIMAL ACT SITES

Miriam Ockenden forwards this site with an amazing video of teamwork between a man and his horses:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xqvvn_lorenzo _

Jean Sterling sends this one: The dog is a beautiful golden retriever and appears to be having a great time while dancing in perfect time with his partner.

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/283984/dance_with_me/

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she'll tell anything. - Oscar Wilde

This reminds me: Thank you to all the kind readers who sent cards and good wishes on the occasion of my 85th birthday. They were much appreciated, and made the burden of all those years that much lighter.... What else would you like to know? ;)