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IN THIS ISSUE

• The editor recalls an exciting visit to Madeira
• Catherine Green sends a seasonal story
• Verda Cook remembers a joke a minister told on himself
• Joy Sadler tells the story of a southern senior in court
• Burke Dykes fires some shots in the battle of the sexes
• Bill McNair writes to say he believed an urban legend
• Bruce Galway forwards some very helpful hints
• Jack Peaker is guilty of this blonde joke
• Jack recommends a number of interesting websites

In lieu of any personal stories from you, I will tell you about my visit long ago to the island of

MADEIRA

The runway on Madeira is so short that departing planes carry only enough fuel to reach Portugal, some 700 miles away. The islands are volcanic in origin and it is difficult to carve out a sufficiently long, flat area for an airport. Fortunately, I was unaware of its limitations when I landed there from Copenhagen, nor did I know of the hazards of taking off on the return flight. Shortly after I returned home, a plane did not achieve liftoff, and crashed onto the rocks at the end of the runway.

What an exciting introduction to the island of flowers, floating in the Atlantic 400 miles off the coast of Africa and 700 miles from Portugal, which has owned the archipeligo since 1420. Madeira has been a port of call ever since for seafarers, of whom Christopher Columbus was a noteable example; indeed, he married the daughter of the governor of Porto Santo, one of the islands.

The airport was not the only excitement; the taxi ride into the capital, Funchal, around hair-raising cliff roads was enough to raise anyone´s blood pressure. The drivers in Madeira are undoubtedly related to those of Portugal, who are the most aggressive I have ever encountered; which is surprising, as the people are quiet and pleasant when not engaged in automobile roulette.

I had obtained a package tour in Copenhagen with a company which owned the plane we flew on and the hotel we stayed in for the next two weeks. With two meals a day and the flight and a small suite, the total cost came to $265! For $35 I got a single supplement, and my other expenses consisted oflunches and tours and incidentals. Ah, but this was long ago - perhaps 35 years....

It is impossible to believe, after travelling all day to reach the north coast of the island, that Madeira is only 57 km long and 22 km wide (about 35 x 15 miles.) The land is mountainous and inhospitable; all the farms are carved out of the rock and terraced entirely by hand. There are no horses; wagons are drawn by bullocks; milk cows are put into little teepees at birth and don´t leave them until they die - there is no land for pasture, so no place for them to graze. This was the situation when I was there; it may have changed since then. Hasn´t everything?

Our hotel was a couple of miles from the centre of town, in the middle of a banana orchard. Every morning was heralded by the crowing of roosters in the yards of the very poor people who lived in the immediate vicinity. Most of the supplies used in the hotel were imported, apart from the small bananas which grew at its doorstep. Local people were employed in the hotel and its dining room, and we were urged not to "spoil" them by giving them too-large tips!

Most mornings I walked into downtown Funchal, a city of some 120,000, along a route bordered by flowers. I remember seeing poinsettias growing wild, about four feet high. In spite of the harsh terrain, fruits and vegetables and flowers grew in profusion, and one could see the results in the huge market, along with fish caught that morning.

Other days, I climbed up the surrounding hills, walking carefully beside the flumes that carried water to the farms from the mountains. Always I carried my sketch book and pastels, and every evening I would try to paint what I had seen during the day. The results were less than spectacular, but I enjoyed the process. It was obvious why Winston Churchill had gone to Madeira to paint after he retired.

Funchal is noted not only for its spectacular flowers but also for its magnificent churches and public buildings and its patterned tiled streets. The weather was warm and moist while I was there, but there were many huge trees casting their shade over the sidewalks, so it was not uncomfortable.

Speaking of weather, there must have been a sea mist lying south of the island, because one morning when I looked out my window, there was an island on the horizon which hadn´t been there before. I couldn´t believe my eyes, because when I had gazed at the sea before, there had been nothing to see but water; now there was an island right off the coast. I wondered if those mists had made navigation difficult for the early sailing ships which had visited those waters.

One day I went on an excursion to the northern coast. The road wound up and up over the mountains and down the other side, making a very long distance out of what was a short trip for the crow. When we came to the narrow road that clung to the cliffs hundreds of feet above the pounding Atlantic, I studied the flora on the land side; the view from the other side was too frightening. At one place the road made such a sharp hairpin that the bus driver had to make it in two cuts; when he finally got round it, everyone clapped. Sheer relief, I´m sure.

We had lunch at the town we had been heading for, and after walking around to settle our nerves, we went back the same way we had come. The road did not go all the way round the island, so we had to backtrack. By the time we arrived back at the hotel, I had a profound respect for the men who had gouged those roads out of the rock, and for the men who drove them.

The island has long been a favourite vacation and retirement spot for the British, so there was no difficulty in making myself understood, unlike Portugal at that time. Madeira seemed to be a more relaxed place than Portugal, which I had previously visited; young men and women went around together without chaperones, and dress was less formal. And of course, it was teeming with tourists - tourism is its number one industry.

It is an interesting place to visit; at the time I was there, it was very reasonable, the flowers were beautiful, the pace was relaxed, and the weather was warm. Now, if they´d just extend that runway....

Catherine Green writes about a

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!?

This little anecdote was passed along to me by a family friend.?? Maybe?it´ll give someone out there an idea for the next family Thanksgiving gathering.

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister´s house for the?? traditional feast.??Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she??needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey,and re-stuffed??the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you´ve cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!?

Yep ... she´s blonde.

Verda Cook heard a Lutheram minister tell this anecdote to his congregation:

LITURGICAL SERVICE

For those not familiar with the form of service in what is called the ´High Church,´ there is a formality which is followed in each service. The minister faces the congregation and with his arms outstretched, says: "The Lord be with you." The congregation responds with, "And also with you."

On this particular Sunday, the minister realized as he was walking out to the pulpit that the lapel microphone he was wearing was not working. As he faced the congregation, he tapped the microphone several times to check it for sound. He then said to the congregation, while pointing to the microphone, "There seems to be something the matter with this." The congregation immediately responded, "And also with you."

Joy Sadler says that lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren´t prepared for the answer.

GRANDMA KNOWS EVERYONE

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I´ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you´ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you´re a big shot when you haven´t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I´ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He´s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can´t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I´ll send you to the electric chair."

When I asked Burke Dykes which side he is on in the battle of the sexes, he replied that he has been beaten into submission by any number of female friends and can now think truly androgynously. Besides, for a good joke, he´ll say anything!

HE SAID/SHE SAID

He said: I don´t know why you wear a bra; you´ve got nothing to put in it. She said: You wear pants, don´t you?

He said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said: That´s a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave? you? She said, Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

On a wall in a ladies´ room: "My husband follows me everywhere." Written just below it: "I do not."

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A. Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds? A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short? A. So men can remember them.

Q. How? many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A. We don´t know; it has never happened.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what´s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what´s in bed, and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A. They´re married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the? man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

CORRESPONDENCE

Bill McNair writes that even though Carol Hansen pointed out that the story of the woman putting the ice cream in her purse is an urban legend, "...all us guys believed it to be true."

Bruce Galway forwards these

HELPFUL HINTS

Bed Sheets - After drying your sheets, put both sheets and one pillowcase in the other pillow case. Fold neatly in a square. Next time you change sheets, you just take the one pillow case and all the sheets and pillow case are inside. No need to look for matches. Takes up less storage room too.

Clean your glass shower - To clean the glass in your shower easily, apply lemon juice to the glass with a sponge. Then, take newspaper and wipe the lemon juice off the glass. It will be clean and sparkle with no scrubbing!

Reheat Pizza - Heat up leftover pizza in a non-stick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. According to the cooking channel, it really works.

Easy Deviled Eggs - Put cooked egg yolks in a zip-lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done - easy clean up.

Expanding Frosting - When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar/calories per serving.

Reheating refrigerated bread - To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.

Newspaper Weeds-Away - Wet newspapers, put layers around the plants, overlapping as you go, cover with mulch, and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic, they will not get through wet newspapers.

Broken Glass - Use a dry cotton ball to pick up little broken pieces of glass - the fibers catch ones you can´t see!

No More Mosquitoes - Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away.

Squirrel Away - To keep squirrels from eating your plants, sprinkle them with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn´t hurt the plant and the squirrels won´t come near it.

Flexible vacuum - To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge, add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.

Reducing Static Cling - Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and voila - static is gone.

Measuring Cups - Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill it with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don´t dry the cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.

Foggy Windshield - Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car. When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!

Reopening envelope - If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. It unseals easily.

Conditioner - Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It´s a lot cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It´s also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn´t like when you tried it in your hair....

Good-bye Fruit Flies - To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass, fill it 1/2" with apple cider vinegar and 2 drops of dishwashing liquid, mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!

Ed. Note: I have been plagued by fruit flies recently, so I tried this. I had no apple cider vinegar, but I did have some peach cider, and I like to believe that all those flies at the bottom died happy.

Get Rid of Ants - Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it home, and can´t digest it, so it kills them. It may take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works and you don´t have the worry about pets or small children being harmed.

Jack Peaker forwards this story of

WOMEN IN TROUBLE

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I´m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I´ll tell ya right now, ya´ll ain´t gonna electrocute nobody if you don´t plug this thing in."

THIS WEEK´S WEBSITES

Jack Peaker recommends these sites:

Sounds:? http://www.findsounds.com/

Travel:? http://www.milebymile.com/

Books:? http://www.paperbackswap.com/

Hoaxes:? http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/

Space:? http://spaceblog.xprize.org/

Calculate:? http://www.drcalculator.com/

Photos:? http://photography.si.edu/

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You can also read this newsletter online at http://members.shaw.ca/vjsansum/and http://www.nw-seniorsonline.org/stories.html

The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.