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IN THIS ISSUE

• Dick Monaghan reflects on the adjustments required in marriage
• Jack Peaker forwards an amusing story about two idiots
• Don Henderson sends a seniors´ version of an old song
• Bruce Galway makes it easier for seniors to play golf
• Readers suggest a number of interesting websites

Dick Monaghan muses on

A PERIOD OF ADJUSTMENT

A man ought to be careful about marrying a woman who owns a white rug. My wife, Sass, had hers cleaned recently, and while we were moving the furniture back in, the sofa turned on me and lifted about a quarter-inch (6.35mm) of my right big toenail off its bed. Hop, swear, hobble, dirty word, hop, bleed.... Sass, meantime, made sounds like a cat with a door-slammed tail: "You got blood on my carpet!" she wailed.

"The only thing that carpet is good for is as a background for photographing naked babies," I opined. Wrong thing to say.

Another thing to look out for is food fetishes. Did you know there are women who actually believe fruits and vegetables are not only edible but essential to a balanced diet? This is how you end up being served a plate of steaming cardboard - which is how vegetables taste to me. I will except fruit that has been baked in a pie or made into preserves, but otherwise, fruit seems to be more trouble than it´s worth. You always have to peel or slice it, or something.

Then there´s the question of clothing. I´ve found that six months is about the right length of time to wear a pair of jeans. It takes about two months for the knees and bottom to shape themselves to your to your dimensions and to collect those little stains-motor oil, ketchup-that make them so attractive. I think a man´s ensemble ought to tell the public "this man is comfortable!" It never occurred to me that there is any relationship between the jeans and the color of the shirt you wear with them, if any. <Sigh>.

I´ve always tried to wear the right thing. I always put on a clean bowling shirt if the evening´s festivities include Burger King, but from now on that is apparently not going to do. Pants, shirts, sports jackets, suits (?!), all "color coordinated," whatever that means - where will it all end?

When they talk about "a period of adjustment," it looks like it means yours, not theirs.

Jack Peaker sends along this story, which is supposed to be true but turns out to be an urban legend. It makes a good story, in any case.

ICE FISHING CAN BE HAZARDOUS

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560). He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go on a lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the New Navigator.

They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two rocket scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the Navigator, the guns, and the dog...?

Let´s talk about the dog: A highly trained black Lab used for retrieving. Especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.

One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on.

Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog´s rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master. Then BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can´t believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered by the policy. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments.... The dog is okay.

And they make fun of people from Newfoundland!

Don Henderson reminds us of the senior citizen version of an old classic:

ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT?

Are you lonesome tonight?
?Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your mylanta and tums?
Does your memory stray,
To that bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth and your gums?

Is your hairline receding?
?Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And it´s prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain?
Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Is your blood pressure up?
?Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low-fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot,
Helps you run like a well-oiled machine.

If it´s football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it´s at
But forgets what it´s for.
So your gallbladder´s gone,
But your gout lingers on.
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

When you´re hungry, he´s not,
When you´re cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
Then you get his great symphonic snore.

He was once so romantic,
So witty and smart;
How did he turn out to be such
?A cranky old fart?
So don´t take any bets,
It´s as good as it gets,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight??

Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building.

Speaking of seniors, Bruce Galway sends these revised

GOLF RULES FOR SENIORS

Rule 1.a.5(c) - A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior shall not be penalized for uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

Rule 2.d.6(b) - A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.b.3(g) - There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty.

Rule 4.c.7(h) - If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.

Rule 5.a.4(f) - Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6.a.9(k) - There is no penalty for so-called out of bounds. If penny-pinching golf club owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The golfer shall receive an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.g.15(z) - There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. That they do not is a technical problem that manufacturers have to correct. Senior golfers shall not be punished for a manufacturer´s shortcomings.

Rule 8.k.9(s) - Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes, etc. Since this is financially impractical for the average senior golfer, half a stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.

ED. NOTE: Golfers, be sure to carry a copy of these revised rules when you play, because younger golfers may not be aware of the changes.

THIS WEEK´S SUGGESTED WEBSITES

Carol Hansen says that the story in the last issue about the woman who put the ice cream into her purse is an urban legend. I confess it didn´t occur to me it might be true - I thought it was just a joke:

http://www.snopes.com/embarrass/celebrity/icecream.asp

Catherine Green sends this informative url:

Shortcut to: http://www.worldwatch.org/taxonomy/vocabulary/14

Dick Monaghan passes on this site, which includes a new feature, Historic Gaffes Revisited: http://www.slate.com/id/2150415/

Jack Peaker suggests these websites:

Buy/Sell Crafts: http://www.etsy.com/ Hats: http://chapeauxbibitop.blogspot.com/
Travel: http://www.travelbrochuregraphics.com/

Jackie Stevens sends a cup of coffee that will help start your day:

http://www.castlemountains.net/flashmar/A_Cup_Of_Joy.swf

Miriam Ockenden writes: Security consultant Chris McGoey is internationally known as an expert in the fields of security, loss prevention, and crime prevention. He works with business owners, property managers, law enforcement, and the legal profession, and has prepared an extensive series of original articles for this website: http://www.CrimeDoctor.com

HOME INVASION SAFETY TIP - If you own a newer vehicle with a remote panic button, put your car keys beside your bed at night. If you hear a noise outside or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies - plus it makes nearby dogs bark as an extra surprise.

You can also read this newsletter online at http://members.shaw.ca/vjsansum/and http://www.nw-seniorsonline.org/stories.html

Our knowledge is a little island in a great ocean of nonknowledge.